Photo by Chad Fenner of Concert Photos. Song lyric from “One of Those Days” by me 🙂
I have reached a place in my 12-step journey which will undoubtedly be life changing. And with all growth that is life changing, will come great growing pains. I am currently walking through the healing of step eight…
“Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”
What I have found so interesting is that there are some people who, as soon as I wrote their names down and became aware of my part in our bruised relationship, I was immediately willing to make amends and felt a real longing for reconciliation. I even felt excitement about the restoration that will likely come as a result of me owning my part and asking for forgiveness. And then there were other names. Names that did not elicit the same feelings of excitement…of looking forward to some kind of reconciliation or forgiveness. No warm fuzzies whatsoever. It is with these people that I have realized an ugly truth about my own heart. I have deeply rooted unforgiveness and resentment toward them.
I’ve untangled quite a messy web…I’m aware of the harm they’ve caused me. We have to work through and grieve those things if we wish to forgive and let go. I’m aware of harmful things I’ve done, if not to them then certainly to others, making me very aware I’m no better than anyone else. I have been just as hurtful and clumsy as others have been to me. And furthermore, I’m aware of how I abandoned myself in these relationships, giving me even more responsibility in what transpired. I can look back and see that at the time I saw red flags that these people were not safe and forged ahead anyway. Then I was shocked and resentful when they behaved as should have been expected…as any healthy person would’ve been able to predict and likely avoid.
It’s a little maddening because when I process it out loud, it doesn’t really make a lot of sense. And it feels very hypocritical. I would like forgiveness from others, am trying to forgive myself for my part but am harboring unforgiveness toward others for their part. In my processing, I’ve realized that every single one of these cases have a few common denominators where I stew in my resentment and get stuck:
1) These people have not apologized or taken ownership for their part along the way.
2) They probably have no clue how their behavior has been harmful and abusive.
3) It’s very possible, if given the opportunity, they would speak to me the same way today.
4) They have taken the moral high ground, blaming me for things they think I didn’t do well enough and even wanting to extract an admission of how I could have done things better. (What has two thumbs, purple hair and has also done this?? Eh. Let’s not name names.)
5) This one’s a huge lesson for me…every single one was a lose/lose situation. Looking back, I put myself in situations where there was absolutely no way to please everyone in the scenario. Someone would’ve found fault and hammered me with it.
So there it is. The petty junk that keeps me stuck even though I have been just as hurtful to others and broken and relationally dysfunctional. How do I forgive people that are not sorry, would probably repeat the behavior if I would allow it and seem to find themselves spiritually superior to me? It has eluded me as unknowable. But today I believe I’ve received a perspective altering glimpse of what love and forgiveness is.
Today is Good Friday and although I had other more lighthearted plans, I felt really drawn to sit down and meditate on what this day means. I felt, more than most years on this day to be completely honest, that I wanted to honor what Jesus went through by really thinking about it and letting it affect me…the cruelty and suffering and injustice he submitted himself to on “Good Friday”. I felt that, if I were to not do so, I would be missing out on really appreciating it or being grateful….or something. Honestly, I didn’t know why exactly but decided to follow my gut and sit down and experience whatever lesson was there for me.
I read Matthew 26-27, which really gives a full picture of not only the physical cruelty Jesus suffered but also the abandonment of friends and even betrayal by one member of his inner circle. Matthew 27:11-50 is a shorter account of his trial and crucifixion. I have included these as links if you’d like to get the whole context for yourself. This is what stuck out to me…
1) When Jesus needed time alone to pray because he knew the time of his betrayal and death was near, he was vulnerable and needed support. Matthew 26:36-46 says, ”He became anguished and distressed. He told them ‘My soul is crushed with grief to the point of death’.” Yet his closest friends didn’t have the strength or grace or focus to support him. They couldn’t even stay awake.
2) He was deserted by his friends and betrayed into the hands of those who would kill him.
3) He was judged and entrapped by spiritual leaders of the day. In their effort to gather evidence against him, the super spiritual Pharisees would quote Scripture to Him, trying to hold him to their legalistic interpretations. They used Jesus’ Father’s own words against him. If you have ever had someone use Scripture or spiritual verbiage against you in an abusive way, it’s completely maddening. Can you even imagine Jesus having these hypocritical self-proclaimed perfect spiritual giants throw the word of God HIS Father in His face as entrapment??? They played the “moral high ground” card with Jesus. Insanity.
4) He was mocked, rejected, spit on, brutalized with fists and weapons. He was whipped until his back was unrecognizable. He was handed over for crucifixion by a judge that knew he was innocent. He was forced to carry his own rugged wooden splintery cross on his shredded back until he collapsed under the weight of it. He had nails driven through his hands and feet. Thorns pushed into his head. He was verbally abused and ridiculed through it all.
5) He did not curse. He did not set them straight. He did not bring down all the wrath of heaven upon them for their injustice and abuse.
6) As his clothing was being split up among the soldiers who had brutalized him, he cried out to God on their behalf. He said, “Father forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” He not only chose to forego raining down cosmic punishment, HE PAID THE PRICE FOR THEIR BROKENNESS AND SICKNESS AND SIN. Luke 23:34
While they were STILL sinners and barbarians and abusers, he forgave them. There were no apologies or seeing of the light and yet he forgave. While I was still a sinner and had no interest at all in what he has done for me, He forgave me. How can I not forgive the seemingly minute, in comparison to all He suffered, wrongs done to me?
One last thing came to mind, cementing the truth in my heart that it would be truly unjust hypocrisy to not forgive just as I have been forgiven…
In Matthew 18:21-35 Jesus tells us a parable about forgiveness and unforgiveness. A servant owed a great debt of millions of dollars to the king. In that time the custom was that the servant would be sold along with his wife and children and all his belongings in order to reconcile the debt. But the servant threw himself before the king and pleaded for mercy, asking for a chance to repay the debt in time. The king was filled with compassion, releasing the man and forgiving the entire debt. When the man left the king he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded payment. The man fell at his feet, begging for a little more time but the creditor couldn’t wait. He had him thrown in jail until the debt could be paid in full. The story goes on in verses 31-35 to explain the ramifications of this hypocrisy and it’s not good.
I really don’t want to be the guy (or purple haired girl) that is forgiven a debt of millions I could never repay only to turn around and hold resentment in my heart for my fellow broken brothers and sisters, just hoping for the opportunity to shake an apology or some justice out of someone. Because the truth is, they can’t repay me any more than I can repay the Creator of the Universe for all that He’s done for me…any more than those Roman soldiers and Pharisees could ever repay Jesus for the horrific cruelty and mockery they put him through…any more than I can repay him for enduring it so that I can be the recipient of undeserved forgiveness. So I can be the giver of undeserved forgiveness.
I know I can’t do it in my own brokenness so I’m becoming willing to let God’s forgiveness flow through me just as it flows to me… extravagantly, filled with grace and love, void of all expectations. Life-giving.
~Heidi
Future Friday is typically about vision, on a personal level in our lives. That is, where we are believing for and hoping for good things that God has in store for us to come to fruition – in the form of career, family, service opportunities, or any kind of good thing He has planned for us.
Confessions of a Codependent Rockchick 